I want to believe – Reflective Blog Entry #4

This is another one of those unguided posts, the tutor requested/prompted/guided posts will be completed when they’re released.

Forewarning: If you’re susceptible to being triggered by concepts relating to self-harm and death, please don’t read the post below. Remember, you’re not alone! There are services and people out there that understand and can help, visit Lifeline or call 13 11 14 if you need help. 

Forewarning continued: I’m not a philosopher, nor do I claim to be and nor am I educated in the vast field of philosophy. What you read below may appear as half-baked-quasi-pseudo-stuff or complete hogwash to those more versed in philosophy – if my ramblings even qualify as such. I’m merely developing my introspective skills (is that even a skill?) as suggested/required by the unit guideline. Hey, it’s something!

Why a picture of a beautiful sunset? Two things I would miss most in death would be not being able to gaze upon a beautiful sunset, or not being able to stare into the stars on a clear night.

Death, is very interesting to think about. Also, rather morbid. Though, it’s the dark that allows the light shine so bright, right? (yeah, keep telling yourself that… can’t help being cynical). What better concept to prompt introspection? Death is the unavoidable promise of ceasing to exist, could be as I type the next character you’re about to read or 70 years from now. Either way, the threat of not existing makes one really think about their existence. Introspection?

There’s actually a particular portion of a song (such an angsty teen, gosh!) that prompted me to write this post:

I fear rejection more than being alone
I’m almost nauseous
Maybe I’m dying?
Over dramatic, but that’s what happens
When you have too much time to think about the end

Lovely Day by Ayria

Upon reading the lyrics as text, right here, it’s hard for me to really explain how or why it prompted the thought.

It’s that last verse, When you have too much time to think about the end, that’s what really gets me. I would guess that few people think about death on a daily basis, or a billion other people are writing posts like this – I could be wrong.

By think about, I mean, really think about, and understand what it involves – not just “Oh hey, I don’t like the sound of that.” Like, understand that you cease to exist, anything and everything you ever knew is lost. All the extensions/interfaces that your body as afforded to you to do anything, ever, gone. All your memories, all your knowledge, experiences, your life. You lose the link between you and the world. The world sure won’t miss you, if anything it would likely rejoice in the fact that your pollution encouraging and waste-producing body just turned into something roughly resembling fertiliser. (harsh!)

This assumes there’s no afterlife or :insert-beliefs-here:. Don’t get me wrong, I’m open-minded, but that isn’t what this post is about.

Such a little barrier exists between life and death. Microns, atoms? Edge of a blade? Natural causes? 80 years relative to billions of the universe? It’s sobering to think that something so little can end an existence, though existence starts from something so little, too. A relationship between the two, perhaps?

Why does anything matter if you end up in a box anyway? It’s inevitable – such a cold wor(l)d. All your life’s achievements, goals and aspirations gone with the kiss of death – regardless if they were satisfied or not. What’s the point? The net difference is zero, nothing escapes the system. Looking at it that way, seems pretty harsh and really degrades life down to something not worth experiencing. Maybe it isn’t, maybe it is. I guess it’s what you make of it.

Then, what would it matter if you didn’t experience X or Y or Z in your lifetime when it won’t last beyond death? But why does it make us feel happy, empowered, satisfied when we achieve something we set out to do? Science says something about endorphins etc, but there must be more to it than that – at least I want to believe there is.

It raises a self-defeating cycle of it’s not worth anything when it ends sometime to well it makes you feel good when you do XYZ, makes it worth it back to well, it ends, you’ll forget it. 

Actually! I think I recall what I’m getting at now, nihilism!

Maybe even in nihilism there exists some hope. Maybe it’s a ploy or some intricate art that hides a small bastion of, something. Like an 19th century still-life artwork with hidden meanings. Some sort of paradox. Probably not, though, those dudes who come up with nihilism seem to know what they’re talking about.

It’s pop-science (I can’t be bothered doing the actual research, so I’ll call it that) knowledge that there exists no complex life in the observable universe.

Would that make life an anomaly? That’s bit of an unsettling thought, life was merely an accident, all of us happened to just stumble into a living state by absolute random chance. We could have easily not existed at all, we wouldn’t know any different, there is no we or in that case.

What if life is merely an illusion? What if it’s something just feigned by the universe or some other system, like in the Matrix? What if nothing is real beyond you? Anything and everything you experience is a fabrication of reality, created by your own mind? Well, scope is creeping a little now, I think I’ll stop.

Yet again, I’ve failed to really translate the concepts I’m thinking into text, but maybe you see where I’m coming from. I think I could go on and on raising alike questions and concepts and lot lead anything. Infinitely asking questions doesn’t leave much room for answers, especially if the answers don’t exist.




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